Late Bloomer / Coming of Age / Coming Out
Are you ready for my magnum opus? Well, hopefully, it's not my defining blog, but it is a treatise on a massive turning point in my life.
I was born a girl.
I am a male inside. Transgender > Transman
I feel comfortable in my female body, but express myself in an aggressive masculine manner. Bigender
I feel romantic attraction to males, but have NO desire for sex with a man. Heteroromantic
I prefer to have sex with women. Lesbian > Dyke
Confused? Tell me about it! I've been living in the 'closet' for over 60 years.
My earliest memories are of my telling my mother, very emphatically, that I did NOT want to be a girl. I always fantasized that I had a gender neutral name like Terri, or Pat or Toni, then I wouldn't have to worry about being one or the other. (Even back in the 50's & 60's I was identifying as gender fluid.)
I was happily married to a bisexual man who came out transgender this year as well. Unfortunately for the two of us, he passed away suddenly, unexpectedly, so we were unable to begin the new phase of our lives together. But I have two wonderful sons, who have supported me in my new coming of age.
As a child, I had no issues as being a tomboy was perfectly acceptable. But the transition to adolescence was the most horrifying thing I ever had to face. I didn't want to be a girl. As I matured, I hated myself more and more. Female hormones were an anathema to my life.
So what changed?
November 8, 2016
The horror of the election, the knowledge of the multiple set-backs that were in store for our country was enough to overwhelm and nearly defeat me. I even retreated from the internet to avoid falling deeper into depression. As small gains were eliminated by the right sided political party, I realized that I couldn't keep silent any longer. There was a struggle out there that I was a real part of, even if no one knew it.
So I came out officially.
Then I nearly died in an automobile accident in January 2017.
I hate to repeat the same old phrase, but you never really appreciate the fleetness of life until you stare death in the face. And I mentally did that twice that day.
So, it became more imperative that I turn my life around (as much as is possible at this late date). I wanted to change jobs. I wanted to become political. I wanted to stand up for LGBTQ rights and I wanted to become open about myself.
But I am bound to this job as slaves were bound with chains. My income keeps us in a house. My income keeps food on the table. I make more money at this job than I could make anywhere else because I've been with this company 21 years (and pretty much hated it most of the time). As much as I railed against returning to the damned job and had convinced myself and my family that we could make it if I sought something else, here I am. Still in this place. Hating every minute. Distrusting my supervisors and managers. Living with the terror of getting in the car and driving an hour each way, every day, five days a week.
I want to walk out. I want my own life. I want to live as a transgender person. I want to experience the rest of my life as the person I really truly am.
How do people handle this?!?! How do they cope? Sometimes, it is just too much for me to bear.
I was born a girl.
I am a male inside. Transgender > Transman
I feel comfortable in my female body, but express myself in an aggressive masculine manner. Bigender
I feel romantic attraction to males, but have NO desire for sex with a man. Heteroromantic
I prefer to have sex with women. Lesbian > Dyke
Confused? Tell me about it! I've been living in the 'closet' for over 60 years.
My earliest memories are of my telling my mother, very emphatically, that I did NOT want to be a girl. I always fantasized that I had a gender neutral name like Terri, or Pat or Toni, then I wouldn't have to worry about being one or the other. (Even back in the 50's & 60's I was identifying as gender fluid.)
I was happily married to a bisexual man who came out transgender this year as well. Unfortunately for the two of us, he passed away suddenly, unexpectedly, so we were unable to begin the new phase of our lives together. But I have two wonderful sons, who have supported me in my new coming of age.
As a child, I had no issues as being a tomboy was perfectly acceptable. But the transition to adolescence was the most horrifying thing I ever had to face. I didn't want to be a girl. As I matured, I hated myself more and more. Female hormones were an anathema to my life.
So what changed?
November 8, 2016
The horror of the election, the knowledge of the multiple set-backs that were in store for our country was enough to overwhelm and nearly defeat me. I even retreated from the internet to avoid falling deeper into depression. As small gains were eliminated by the right sided political party, I realized that I couldn't keep silent any longer. There was a struggle out there that I was a real part of, even if no one knew it.
So I came out officially.
Then I nearly died in an automobile accident in January 2017.
I hate to repeat the same old phrase, but you never really appreciate the fleetness of life until you stare death in the face. And I mentally did that twice that day.
So, it became more imperative that I turn my life around (as much as is possible at this late date). I wanted to change jobs. I wanted to become political. I wanted to stand up for LGBTQ rights and I wanted to become open about myself.
But I am bound to this job as slaves were bound with chains. My income keeps us in a house. My income keeps food on the table. I make more money at this job than I could make anywhere else because I've been with this company 21 years (and pretty much hated it most of the time). As much as I railed against returning to the damned job and had convinced myself and my family that we could make it if I sought something else, here I am. Still in this place. Hating every minute. Distrusting my supervisors and managers. Living with the terror of getting in the car and driving an hour each way, every day, five days a week.
I want to walk out. I want my own life. I want to live as a transgender person. I want to experience the rest of my life as the person I really truly am.
How do people handle this?!?! How do they cope? Sometimes, it is just too much for me to bear.
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